Why I Coach the Way I Do
And Why My Job is to Never Tell You What to Do
Brittany A. Moore
8/3/20264 min read
For almost twenty years, I thought helping people was mostly about giving advice. People came to me with relationship problems. Sex problems. Marriage problems. Communication problems. Questions about desire, shame, cheating, confidence, dating, intimacy.
Like most people, I assumed there were right answers. Leave. Stay. Forgive. Communicate better. Have more sex. Set boundaries. Be more vulnerable. I don't believe that anymore. Not because those things are wrong. But because I've learned something much more important. My job isn't to decide what your relationship should look like. My job is to help you decide whether the life you're living is actually the one you're consciously choosing.
That shift completely changed the way I coach.
The Biggest Lesson My Training Ever Taught Me
One sentence from my Somatica® training has probably influenced me more than anything else.
Don't take sides. Take the side of intimacy.
At first I hated hearing it. Someone is clearly wrong... Someone cheated. Someone lied. Someone shut down. Someone screamed. Surely there has to be a good guy and a bad guy. But once I started sitting with couples, something became obvious. Almost everyone is trying to protect something. A wound. A fear. A shame. A longing. That doesn't excuse harmful behavior. But it changes the conversation from... "Who's right?" to... "What is happening underneath this?" That question creates far more healing than deciding who wins the argument.
I Don't Believe Every Relationship Should Last Forever
That sentence makes some people uncomfortable.
We've been taught that if a relationship ends...it failed. My training challenged that belief.
Sometimes relationships end because two people have grown into different lives. Sometimes they end because someone refuses accountability. Sometimes they end because love changes. Sometimes they end because staying would require abandoning yourself. None of those automatically make the relationship a failure.
One of the most freeing questions I learned to ask is: "Are you choosing this relationship consciously?" Not... "Should you stay?" Not... "Should you leave?" But... Do you actually understand what you're choosing? And are you comfortable making that choice?
I Don't Coach Toward Fairness
Another belief I had to let go of... Relationships should be fair.
What does fair even mean? One partner might work sixty hours a week. The other might carry the emotional labor. One may crave sex every day. The other once a month. One needs constant reassurance. The other needs tremendous independence. Trying to make relationships perfectly equal often creates more resentment than intimacy.
Instead I ask... What agreements have you made? Are both people consciously choosing those agreements? Are they still working? That's a much more useful conversation than keeping score.
My Goal Isn't To Fix You
People often come to coaching wanting me to fix their partner. Or fix themselves. Or fix the relationship. But I don't actually believe people are broken.
I believe people make perfect sense once you understand their nervous system. Your jealousy. Your avoidance. Your people pleasing. Your fear of abandonment. Your discomfort with vulnerability. None of it appeared randomly. Most of it developed because at some point... It helped you survive. Understanding that changes everything. It replaces shame with curiosity.
Communication Isn't Just About Words
Before Somatica® , I thought communication was mostly verbal. Then I discovered Nonviolent Communication. That changed everything. Marshall Rosenberg's work taught me that most conflict isn't actually about the thing we're arguing about. We're arguing because we're protecting unmet needs.
Instead of hearing... "You never help around the house." We begin hearing... "I'm overwhelmed." "I need partnership." "I need support." "I want to know I'm not carrying this alone." That's a completely different conversation.
NVC also taught me something I use constantly:
People often express judgments when they're actually trying to express feelings. We say... "You're selfish." Instead of... "I feel lonely." We say... "You don't care." Instead of... "I miss feeling important to you." When we can translate criticism back into feelings and needs, people stop fighting the wrong battle.
Sex Is Part Of The Conversation
One thing I learned very quickly during training... If the couple isn't bringing up sex... That doesn't mean it isn't important. In fact, many couples wait for the therapist to ask. The therapist waits for the couple. Nobody says anything. Months pass. Sex becomes the invisible elephant in the room. For many people, sex isn't just about orgasm. It's attachment. Reassurance. Play. Acceptance. Feeling desired. Feeling chosen. Feeling alive. Ignoring that part of a relationship often means ignoring one of its deepest languages.
I've Become Less Interested In Right And Wrong
And much more interested in...
What is this behavior protecting? What fear is underneath it? What need isn't being spoken? What story has this person been carrying for decades? That doesn't mean accountability disappears. Quite the opposite. Real accountability becomes possible once shame isn't running the entire conversation.
The Work Is Slower Than People Want
Most people come to coaching wanting answers. I understand that. I used to want them too.
Now I believe something different.
Real intimacy isn't built through perfect communication. It's built through hundreds of tiny moments where two nervous systems slowly learn... "I'm safe here." That takes practice. It takes vulnerability. It takes repair. It takes empathy. It takes learning how to disappoint each other without destroying the relationship.
And sometimes... It takes realizing the most loving thing two people can do is stop trying to make each other into someone they're not.
Why I'm Writing These Blogs
I'm not writing them because I think I have all the answers. I'm writing them because my training fundamentally changed how I see people.
It made me less judgmental. More curious. More compassionate. And honestly... Much more hopeful.
Over the coming months, I'm going to unpack the ideas that changed me most. We'll talk about shame. Attachment. Conflict. Sex. Communication. Affairs. Boundaries. Desire. Nervous systems. Nonviolent Communication. And all the messy, beautiful things that happen when two imperfect people try to love each other.
Not because I think I've mastered any of it. But because I've watched these ideas change the way I love, the way I coach, and the way I understand what it actually means to be intimate with another human being.