What Are You Getting Out of the Sh** You Keep Complaining About?
Blog post description.
By Brittany A. Moore
10/3/20267 min read
Sometimes the thing you say you hate is still doing something for you.
I want you to think about something you complain about regularly. Your job. Your relationship. Your family. Your schedule. The friend who only calls when they need something. The fact that everybody comes to you with their problems. The situationship you swear you're done with every other Tuesday. Whatever your thing is. Now here's the question I want you to sit with: What are you getting out of it?
And before you get defensive, hear me out. I'm not saying you secretly enjoy being unhappy. I'm not saying difficult circumstances are always your fault. And I'm definitely not saying we all have equal access to money, resources, opportunities, safety, or support. I'm asking something different. What if we got curious about the choices we're making? Even the choices we don't particularly like?
We Are the Curators of Our Own Stories
One of the things I believe deeply as a coach is that we have more agency than we sometimes realize. Not unlimited agency. That's important. There are circumstances we don't choose. There are systems we live inside of. There are responsibilities we can't simply walk away from without consequences. There are things that happen to us that we absolutely did not ask for. But within all of that, there are often still choices. Sometimes they're shitty choices. Sometimes every available option has a consequence we don't want. But having choices we don't like isn't the same as having no choice at all.
Let's say you tell me: "No, Brittany. I don't have a choice. I don't want to work at this shitty job, but I have bills to pay and kids to feed." I hear you. You may genuinely hate that job. But every day you go to work, you're still making a choice. You're choosing the job over being unemployed. You're choosing to pay your rent. You're choosing to feed your children. You're choosing whatever stability that paycheck currently provides. That doesn't mean you have to suddenly love the job. It doesn't mean you shouldn't look for another one. And it certainly doesn't mean you should tolerate mistreatment because you're supposed to be "grateful." It simply changes the story from: "I have no choice." to: "I don't like the choices available to me right now, and this is the one I'm choosing." Those sentences may sound similar but your body may experience them very differently.
Pay Attention to What Happens in Your Body
Try saying: "I have no choice." Notice what happens. Maybe your chest tightens. Maybe your shoulders drop. Maybe you feel trapped, irritated, heavy or defeated. Now try: "I'm choosing this right now because..." And finish the sentence. I'm choosing this job right now because I need the income. I'm choosing to stay in this relationship right now because I'm not ready to leave. I'm choosing to answer the phone because part of me likes being the person people depend on. I'm choosing not to have that conversation because I'm afraid of what might happen afterward. You don't have to like the answer. Just notice it. Sometimes naming our choice gives us back a little bit of movement. Because "I have no choice" closes the door. "I'm choosing this right now" reminds us that there is a person standing at the door. You.
Familiar Doesn't Mean Good
This is where things get really interesting. Because sometimes the thing we're complaining about isn't just something we're tolerating. It's doing something for us. Maybe you constantly complain that everybody depends on you. But being needed makes you feel valuable. Maybe you keep dating people who can't fully show up for you. But wanting someone who can't quite give you what you need protects you from the vulnerability of being fully seen by someone who can. Maybe you complain about never having time for yourself. But slowing down makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you hate your job. But the predictability feels safer than the uncertainty of starting over. Maybe you keep saying yes when you want to say no. But saying yes protects you from the possibility that someone might be disappointed in you.
That doesn't mean you're consciously creating misery for yourself. It means human beings find comfort in what is familiar. And familiar isn't always the same thing as happy. Sometimes our bodies recognize familiar patterns as safer simply because we know what happens next. The unknown can feel threatening even when the unknown might ultimately be better for us. So we stay. We repeat. We complain. And then we repeat some more.
So...What Does Complaining Do for You?
Complaining isn't inherently bad. Sometimes you need to vent. Sometimes something genuinely sucks and you need to say, "This fucking sucks." Fair enough. Sometimes saying something out loud is how we begin to understand what we're feeling. And sometimes complaining is actually a request for connection: Can somebody hear me? Can somebody validate that this is hard? Can I please not be alone with this for five minutes? There's nothing wrong with that. But I think it's useful to know what you're looking for before you start complaining. Do I want empathy? Do I want advice? Do I want help changing something? Do I just need ten minutes to be annoyed? Or have I told this exact story fifteen times with no intention of doing anything differently? Because that's where complaining can become draining. Not only for the people around us. For us. We keep rehearsing the same story. Same villain. Same problem. Same helplessness. And every time we tell it, we may reinforce the idea that we are simply stuck inside something happening to us.
Gratitude Doesn't Mean Pretending Something Doesn't Suck
This is where gratitude can actually be useful... as long as we don't turn it into toxic positivity.
I'm not asking you to wake up tomorrow and whisper: "I'm so grateful for my terrible boss." Please don't. 😂 I'm talking about finding gratitude for what your current choice is providing you. I hate this job, and I'm grateful it pays my rent while I figure out what's next. This relationship isn't working for me anymore, and I'm grateful for what I've learned about myself through it. I'm exhausted from being the person everybody depends on, and I can appreciate that people trust me while also realizing I need different boundaries.
Two things can be true. You can dislike something and understand why you're currently choosing it. You can appreciate what something has provided and decide you don't want it anymore. Gratitude doesn't have to keep you stuck. Sometimes gratitude helps you see your situation clearly enough to realize: Oh. This actually has been serving me in some way. And once you understand what you're getting from something, you can start asking whether there's another way to get it.
That's the Question Underneath the Question
If being needed makes you feel valuable, how else could you experience your value? If staying busy keeps you from sitting with uncomfortable feelings, what might happen if you slowed down for five minutes? If complaining about your relationship gives you connection with your friends, what would it look like to ask directly for connection instead? If your shitty job gives you stability, can you honor your need for stability while slowly creating another option? This isn't about ripping away your coping mechanisms. It's about understanding them. That's a big part of somatic work for me. Instead of immediately demanding, "Why do I keep doing this?!" we can become curious: "What is this doing for me?"
Because your patterns aren't usually random. Your body learned things. Your nervous system learned things. You developed ways to protect yourself, connect with people, maintain stability, avoid rejection, feel valuable or simply get through difficult situations. Some of those strategies may have worked beautifully once. The question is whether they still work for you now.
You Don't Have to Change It Today
This is important. Awareness doesn't automatically create an obligation to change. You can realize: "Yep. I'm choosing this." And choose it again tomorrow. That's still information. Maybe you're not ready. Maybe you don't have the resources yet. Maybe the alternatives currently available would create consequences you're unwilling to accept. Okay. But there's something powerful about being able to say: "This is the choice I'm making right now, and I understand why." Instead of: "This is just my life. I can't do anything about it." Agency isn't always quitting the job. Leaving the relationship. Cutting somebody off. Starting over. Sometimes agency is simply recognizing: I'm here for a reason. And then deciding whether that reason is still good enough for you.
Before You Complain Again...
Try asking yourself three questions:
What am I looking for right now? Do I want empathy, advice, validation, connection, permission to be frustrated, or do I genuinely want something to change?
What am I getting from the situation I'm complaining about? Security? Familiarity? Attention? Connection? Predictability? A sense of being needed? Protection from something scarier?
And finally:
Am I willing to accept what comes with choosing something different? Because that's the part we sometimes leave out.
Different choices have consequences too. Sometimes we don't stay because we have no choice. We stay because, at least for right now, the consequences of staying feel more manageable than the consequences of leaving. There's no shame in recognizing that. But there is freedom in naming it. We are the curators of our own stories. We don't control every character. We don't choose every plot twist. We don't get to decide everything that happens to us. But wherever we do have choice, I want us to notice it. Because you may decide to keep choosing the exact same thing. Just make sure you know what you're getting out of it.
- Brittany, xoxo